My final Day 1...

of freedom from booze...

My final Day 1 

It’s party time at number 123!

The kids asleep, so its just me

The wine, the fags and the TV

Aaaannd relax

Going through the motions

Glass to mouth, drink devoured

In and out, the smoke stink

Open and shut, a junkfood hunt

And repeat

This, the usual routine

From which I suddenly wake up

I’m sick, I'm tired of it

This same old shit

Cheer up E

Pour another drink

You deserve it!

Go for a fag and all will be ‘reet

I stare at the sky, wondering why

Then the tears, they flood

And the shame, enwraps me

And the relief, overwhelming

And the silence, the loneliness, the fear

Sweet jesus, I need a lie down,

but first,

Tobacco and bottles, binned

And on my way up the stairs, I grinned

Tomorrow is my final Day 1 and I am ready for it, this time

Yes, I have had a Day 1 before.  The first proper one was in May this year.  No one knew I had a problem with the booze.  I did, but I hadn't yet admitted it to myself.

My social circles normalise drinking.  Mums talk about looking forward to wine o'clock at the school gates.  Colleagues and friends delight in telling stories of drunken antics on a Monday morning.  My drinking, on the surface of things, seemed no different to everyone else.  Yes, I got absolutely bluttered, ending many a night dancing on a table like an eejit, and not remembering how I got home, but everyone else was bluttered too. It was the sign of a good night!  I fitted the description of a binge drinker perfectly.

In addition to those nights out, when my kids were in bed and partner at work (he works shifts), i was drinking a bottle of wine at home alone.  Never more than a bottle (but occasionally with a few beers as-well). My bottle a night was becoming more and more regular.  I was drinking a bottle of wine approximately 3 times a week, but there were times when it was 5 times a week. I didn't think this was unusual. Many of my friends drink wine to unwind and indeed social media portrays alcohol as a very viable solution to coping with a having a busy life. As a mum juggling full time work with bringing up kids and family life, wine seems to be the encouraged method of coping. Just look at the posts created by Peter and Jane and Hurrah for Gin that get shared by thousands on Facebook.

But I became aware that I was thinking about wine A LOT. And I felt really really unhealthy.

On a few occasions, I couldn't wait long enough until my kids went to bed, and found myself sneaking sips of the red stuff whilst going through the bedtime routine with them. 

In May, I sensed i was falling down a slippery slope, and constant hangovers and brain fog were starting to worry me, so i thought i'd give up for a few weeks.  Break the drinking at home habit.

Then I found a wonderful blog (mummy was a secret drinker), read Jason vale's book, saw alcohol for what it really is and ended up giving up for 2 months. I felt great and very proud that I could give up so easily. However, a holiday with my (Irish) family resulted in me deciding to have a cheeky few (ok, a bucket load), and upon return I very quickly slipped back into old habits of drinking wine alone at home.

As you can tell from my poem above, Friday night culminated with lots of tears and a promise to myself.  I'm DONE! No more booze.  It's poison and I need to break the habit, for good.  And my final Day 1 on 28th October 2017 felt bloody fantastic.  I'm ready for this; I can do it and I will do it.

I figured to help me succeed this time, I need support.  I need to admit to myself and others that I have a problem. Hence I created this blog.  I'm completely new to blogging and to acknowledging the extent of my problem with booze, so if you stumble across this blog, I'd really appreciate a virtual high 5 / words of encouragement :)

Thanks so much for reading!