Day 3: The Terrible Beast
AKA...anxiety!
I have read a few wonderful posts today on anxiety and its relationship with booze, and it has really got me thinking. I often drank in an attempt to ease my anxiety. Sometimes it worked completely. Sometimes it only worked a little bit. Once the drink wore off, my anxiety would be at an all time high the following day. You know how it goes from here. A real vicious circle.
People who know me may find it surprising that despite the outside 'bubbliness', during any social event where alcohol was available, I'd be secretly feeling panicky on the inside until a sufficient amount of alcohol was consumed and thereby drowned out the voice of The Terrible Beast. Interestingly, if it was an event where alcohol was not on the cards, I'd usually feel much calmer.
I found one of my old poems that I wrote a few years ago, following a BBQ with a few friends:
I have read a few wonderful posts today on anxiety and its relationship with booze, and it has really got me thinking. I often drank in an attempt to ease my anxiety. Sometimes it worked completely. Sometimes it only worked a little bit. Once the drink wore off, my anxiety would be at an all time high the following day. You know how it goes from here. A real vicious circle.
People who know me may find it surprising that despite the outside 'bubbliness', during any social event where alcohol was available, I'd be secretly feeling panicky on the inside until a sufficient amount of alcohol was consumed and thereby drowned out the voice of The Terrible Beast. Interestingly, if it was an event where alcohol was not on the cards, I'd usually feel much calmer.
I found one of my old poems that I wrote a few years ago, following a BBQ with a few friends:
Gone
The sun’s enveloping hug
Caresses my being
As I sit here wondering
Overthinking the complexities of interaction
a wish for retraction
Maybe it was all in my head
But i felt it
And more than once
And more than once
fantasised of running
to my berth
But I drank more beer
And in the end - disappeared
Gone,
for a while at least.
The terrible beast.
That was 30 year old hungover me who wrote that. It makes me sad to read that again. I want the terrible beast to be gone for good.
That was 30 year old hungover me who wrote that. It makes me sad to read that again. I want the terrible beast to be gone for good.
I just realised that I have a night out planned for this weekend with some friends. I really hope that the fact alcohol is not on the cards means i will feel nice and calm and serene and sociable and not a bit anxious. I am already relieved to know with 99% certainty that I will not forget how to use my legs and trip over my feet with an epic fall, face-first, into a bush outside my friends house like last time I was out with said group of friends. That's a good start.
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